06-03-05 - 10:46 p.m.
~The Haunting Of My Soul~
Itís been a long time since I have wandered here, so much to say; so little time to say it. I guess I should take a moment and see where I left off. Oh yes, you on the path looking down at your shoes. How that did something inside my heart; a pain that I did not expect nor really understand. To tell you the truth that moment haunted me, still does really, even though we have resolved our issues (though I donít believe all they way), but then I am getting to end with out a middle; ahead of myself.
It haunted me... but then you seemed to have that power about you; to haunt my soul. I knew it was another thing that I had to deal with even though I was afraid. The Good Doctor said I had to deal with it with out him present or holding my hand. You became my home work and even though The Good Doctor coached me about it the chest pain crept over me every time I thought about it.
As convenience would have it I was taking a step outside the woods, on my own, to meet a pen pal I had only written to and spoken on the phone with. I was all so going to see The Grand Canyon; something I have always dreamed about doing. I left you a phone message, and you were out of town for a week. I left you my cell phone number and got on that plane to Arizona. Again I flew away from you and left you behind, though this time you wouldnít know it for a week. I didnít think about my home work, I didnít think about you.
You didnít cross my mind until I was flying back home to the Woods and all my messages hit my inbox on my phone in Phoenix. The phone had been on extended most of my wonderful trip and the messages poured into my inbox when I got back to a big city and reality. I listened to your lovely voice there in Phoenix while standing in line to get on the next plane and I started shaking. Now the fact that I was going back to the cottage where just before I left I had found out the Wood cutter had been sleeping around on me for a while didnít bother me, I wanted a divorce; but your voice coming into my phone made me shake and panic slightly. Yes, Iíd forgotten, my homework.
I donít remember what you said now, that was over a month ago. I only remember you saying you had a note on your desk to call me on a certain date. Funny how something that was so important for me to do, a big step forward, and thatís all I can remember about what you said. I saved your message because I knew my fear at the time would not allow me to remember what you had said....Ētouch base at least by phone,Ē was another thing you had said I remember due to the chest pain it caused me there in the line, waiting for the plane that would bring me back to reality of the madness of my past, present, but hopefully not my future life.
I got on the plane feeling tired. Why is it that reality sucks so much some times. Why is it reality had to enter into my wonderful vacation... it wasnít over yet, I still had 3 hours on a plane before reality should bite me on my ass. There was your voice on my phone along with others who really didnít have a whole lot of peachy things to say either... The drink cart went down the middle isle and I thought for a moment that I could have one and nobody would know but me... Yes, there was your haunting voice and it drifted around in my mind as I flew through the darkness back home to The Woods, shaking, wishing there was more air on the plane, and feeling like I was flying into the darkness of doom...........
With Love & Respect, Gretel